Touchy Affairs

I am not sure when or how the awareness of gender differences creeps in but I think for some of us it spawned as early as the 3rd grade. One cant really point at a particular person or situation as responsible for this event but it does happen organically. My first memory is of how in 3rd grade accidentally bumping into a boy in the presence of another girl would trigger the "boy touch" offense. Yes, it was considered repulsive and was to be passed onto another girl ASAP, but there was a catch, you could only pass it onto a girl who was unaware and it would go on and on until the end of the day, it was our own Viral phenomenon during the dark ages. Until the transfer was completed (or until the affected had opened her lunchbox with her Amma's famous chutney powder coated idlis) she would be ostracized. 

I particularly remember the incident where I had brought this fancy pencil to school and upon a girl's challenge an annoying boy had picked it up and kissed it (in retrospect, the girl had had it in for my pencil, why God why!!!!). Now, I was expected to throw it into the dustbin as it had been maligned by a boy's touch. The girl gang I belonged to just wouldn't let me keep it and they wanted to witness the act of casting it into the trash (the nature of this gang is faintly reminiscent of the Apocalypto tribe).

And so I held back my tears as I bid farewell to my pencil and dropped it into a slew of garbage, oh how out of place it felt among the  empty chips packets, dirty tissues, pencil shavings (oh stop with the melodrama already, its just a pencil not Mohanlal and Gaadha parting ways in Vandanam for God's sake).

So in 3rd grade, the opposite sex was a repulsive creature and an enemy. This attitude would gradually change as we reached our teens. The transformation and acceptance would have been much easier and healthier if we hadn't been part of a system that divided the boys and girls into separate classes after our 5th grade. Hence, speaking to a boy was unofficially taboo especially in the eyes of the socially recluse. Of course by then we would also be exposed to the concept of  the"boyfriend". As we really don't have a dating culture, having a boyfriend was meant to be kept under the wraps - in short the teachers shouldn't know, the parents should never know. Even jokes on those lines weren't entertained at home.

This was also just about the time period I started attending Gita classes. If you ask me I was never that religious, I somehow got ensnared into this one. It was a casual one time visit with a friend to a class she attended, where I ran into an aunt. Soon the news spread and my mother would soon follow suit and begin attending the classes regularly (around 3 days per week) and she wouldn't spare her children either. We were to attend the Friday Gita classes, where we would be expected to sit without drooping our shoulders, eyes wide open, not fidgeting, not yawning, while we listened to the holy discourse, part of which included the guru hitting the nail on our head - No eating non vegetarian food. Yes, every class would be followed with the the inquisition - "you, have you stopped eating chicken" and if we answered in the negative, we were frowned upon with utter disappointment and disgust. Of course it was Gita class and one doesn't lie especially to this particularly Guru, who for some reason now reminds me of Professor Virus from 3 idiots.  It was a tough period for me, for a while all I could then think of was chicken, I kid you not. While the earnest devotees around were singing bhajans and my lips were uttering the verses robotically, my brain was imagining the sumptuous image of grilled chicken on the rotisserie. 

I do not mean to digress but the Guru at the Gita class plays a significant role in the incident I am about to narrate.

So, growing up with a brother who was just 3 years older to me, ensured that we drove each other crazy and we did everything and anything to annoy each other to the best of our abilities. But I knew his Achilles' heel in his teen years, the trump card - it was to cook up a girl's name and tell Amma that the so called fictional character was his girlfriend. This was often the last attempt to win a fight, to have the last laugh one might say. My brother of course had his own tricks. He lately had begun the habit of mimicking my voice (let me say beforehand, he wasn't really great at it) and he would attend my calls pretending to be me and say nonsensical things to make me look like an idiot. While some of my naive friends fell for it, some just hung up (pretty sure they were frightened by the voice that reminded them of the possessed girl in Exorcist). Anyway, on one such day after I had a major tiff with my brother and he had driven me to my wit's end, I ran to my Amma and said, "Amma, Appu has a girlfriend"

And of course this was enough ammunition for Amma to start off, "Wonderful (sarcasm drenched). I had my doubts always. This is why he has no time to concentrate on his studies..."

I smiled at my brother in vicious glee as I had emerged victorious in this fight. He was however not ready to give up. So he goes ahead and rings my friend (aforementioned Geeta class ad sense agent) and as she picks up and says hello, he attempts to mimic me and say, "Hello Sindhu, I have a boyfriend."

She is of course privy to all my secrets anyway and therefore this was not going to offend me at all but what do guys know right. Still things were going to take an embarrassing turn; few minutes later, Sindhu rings me and she just goes on a furious rant,"Priya, how dare your brother call me." Ok let's all agree, she obviously recognized it was my brother on the phone but then why was she seething fire. We would learn that in a few as she continues with the tirade, "I mean how dare he, how dare he call me and say SINDHU, I AM YOUR BOYFRIEND."

See this is why we should leave mimicry to the experts. Not only did my brother do a poor impression of me, his delivery was so illegible that it conveyed a totally misleading message.

I of course couldn't stop laughing and I want to tell her that's not what happened when she further adds, "I am going to inform guru today at Gita class"

I am literally rolling on the floor laughing at this point, because it just keeps getting better and better. It would have been fun to see my brother being reprimanded by the guru as he struggled to explain the truth. In guru's eyes we would be the incorrigible siblings, one with the chicken obsession, while the other that hit on chicks. May be there was a silver lining - we would be asked never return to the class. For a moment I think may be I shouldn't clear the misunderstanding but then the tiresome sibling loyalty raises its head (Ye bandhan to pyaar ka bandhan hai.....damn you Karan Arjun)

Anyway after much reassurance that my brother was trying to pull a fast one on me and he had no intentions of being her boyfriend she calmed down. The incident also was a dampener on my brother's mimicry attempts (in retrospect, he should be thankful, some artists of mimicry origin are facing tough times lately). He did come up with new ways to annoy me but that's a post for another day.

The boy aversion, the perceived notion of being a good girl or a good boy are subjective for sure but for a lot of us it is ingrained into our psyche by the elders at home, the attitude of the society we live in, the movies we watch, the books we read and so on. We would all still have our silly crushes, some of us would fall in love once and some more, some of us would end up with broken hearts and still not learn. Even Sindhu would let someone propose to her some day and not complain to the Guru at her Gita class. A few of us would later bring extra fancy pens or pencils just in case the charming guy seated in the bench next to her would want to borrow it or we would also use it to substantially injure an irritating chap bothering her (the uses are manifold).

Still as a true blue Indian, most of us will advise the younger generation (even though they never asked for it) just like our previous generation did (even though we never asked for it), to not to be too friendly with boys/girls, as applicable to your gender (but its ok if its to marry him/her even if a total stranger.)

And a bonus advice (yes read a post and get a totally unrelated advice free) - if you are born into a Hindu family (though you never asked for it), stay away from meat/fish/chicken as prescribed by your mother on days she considers holy (depends upon your allegiance to the various Hindu Gods). Latter rule is expected to be soon upgraded to - no one eats anything but hay like our holy mother xxx (oops..bleeped out by the Censor board)